Here's to zero one five

"Every year from now will past faster than the year before" - It has definitely felt this way since the start of 2013 for me. Time is so precious.

With every passing year, I look back and reflect - I know that I have grown, I have changed, and my mindset is different. Some years I feel like I had to put more effort trying to look for joy in simple pleasures. Other years it was easier - like they presented themselves and all you had to do was breathe. 2014 was one of those years.

This year, I feel so awake. I feel in tuned with who I am and everything that I did felt right. Like a flower in full bloom with all its glory, beaming at the beautiful sun, standing tall and reaching towards the sky. Do you know how that feels? Is this part of growing older?

Every new year is a year older for me. I'll be twenty-three in ten days. Is age just a number? Because I don't want to be 23 and still have the mindset of an 18 year old. 2015 looks intimidating. The first few months will be madness, but if I can brave through that hurricane of a workload, the fulfilment after, is bliss.

On this new year's eve, I am alone. But. I am not lonely. I am content and relaxed. I have achieved all that I have wanted and surprisingly, received a lot more too. Can someone tell me, is this all part of growing up? My parents are happy and content because they've met all their life goals - I'm definitely not even close but I'm sure i've got my foot on the right path.

I can't wait to continue this beautiful journey towards achieving my wildest dreams. I am thankful for this opportunity to work for it. In 2015, I choose to maintain these 3 simple resolutions:

Be kind

Work hard

Be humble

A very blessed 2015 to everyone. 

2014 has been a tough year with a lot of misfortunes happening throughout the world. With all my heart, I hope 2015 will be a great new beginning with lots of opportunities to be grateful for. Always appreciate all that you have around you. Love the ones that love you. Remember that all is impermanent - nothing lasts forever. But with every ending, there is a new beginning, a new page to turn, a new story to write. Make each story a beautiful one. x

"Time is the most valuable thing a man can spend" - Theophrastus

Best of Both Worlds; Medicine and Research

When I was a child, I'd tell everyone I'm going to be a paediatrician when I'm older.

"Do you love children?"

"No, I love money."

It's strange how things worked out in the end. So much has changed and I'd daresay, I'll be content with just enough to live as long as I've got a career that I love.

I'm surrounded by paediatric surgeons everyday at the Great Ormond Street Hospital. Today, I performed my very first microsurgery!! I've been observing on the side the whole time. TODAY, I officially sheathed a catheter into the femoral artery in the hindlimb of a rat under a microscope and it was...

BEAUTIFUL.

Using two pairs of forceps, one in each hand, tugging and pushing aside extra tissue. Lifting the pale blue arteriole and being careful not to puncture the blood shot vein right beside. The whole process was such a delicate procedure. I was not successful in my first try in putting the needle along the artery. It was so thin, my hand was trembling so much from being afraid of putting too much force and piercing right through the whole artery.

I went at it again, this time successfully putting the needle along the artery but my hand slipped and i accidentally pulled the needle back out - having to start over. It was important not to make too many tears in the artery, so I had to put the needle back through the same hole I made earlier.

Slowly but surely, I did it. On my first attempt of microsurgery.

A purple catheter with a transparent tubing is sheathed along the femoral artery in the left hindlimb of a Sprague-Dawley rat.

The purple plastic attached to the end of the hindlimb is the catheter. At the tip of the catheter is a fine transparent tubing that is "sheathed" into the pale blue artery. If you look closely, you can see a transparent needle-like piece of plastic within the artery a bit awkwardly sticking upwards. The purpose of this catheter is to allow perfusion of solutions through this main artery which would eventually pass the solution throughout the entire hindlimb - which is useful for decellularisation purposes.

I am blogging about this because I am so proud of this tiny achievement, I want to be able to look back one day and be like 

"AWWWW yeah!!! My first microsurgery!"

I was so embarrassed after my successful microsurgery because everyone else there has done way more complicated procedures but everyone congratulated me. And suddenly, the two paediatric surgeons in the room told me that it looks like I have to do a medical course and specialise in surgery because i've got good hands.

Here I was thinking I'd never be any good at surgery because I've got the world's shakiest pair of hands...

The microsurgeon in the lab is so proud of my work he says he wants to teach me to sheath the jugular vein (in the neck region usually used for blood testing in mice) next and I am so so soooo excited!

Today has been a great day! :)

Help me make this a reality.

At this very moment, I know exactly what I want to do with the rest of my life and every step I have taken towards achieving my life goals has only fuelled me, and reassured my choice.

I have not always been this sure - I only found my strength, my drive and my passion in September of last year. Before this, I used to float around thinking "Yeah, I kinda liked learning about that so maybe i could live with it." Not anymore.

Since Friday, the 31st of October (coincidentally Halloween), I have not felt more enthused in my life. There is nothing I want more than to continue with stem cells and tissue engineering for the rest of my life. And I am willing to give up so much, and cross oceans to be able to do this for eternity.

I want to be a part of the team or even lead a team to transplant a perfectly recellularized organ to save a child suffering from congenital malformations. I want to help the children I see everyday at the Great Ormond Street Hospital, and give them the chance to attain full potential like the rest of us who have been so lucky.

I wish there was a simple way to express the fiery feeling in me. If you could see me talk about what I have been taught, the skills that I have gained that could change the world, and my visions, you'd see the bright flame in my soul dancing through my eyes. Those who have seen me talk about my passion would know exactly what I mean.

I want to be involved in translational research and clinical trials. I dream to see the evidence of my work improving lives. Fortunately, I am in the exact position where I am perfectly capable of fulfilling my dreams.

I am currently doing a year of research at the Paediatric Surgery Unit of the UCL Institute of Child Health. So far, I have been taught how to decellularize a mouse liver and a human treachea. I have also learnt to isolate single muscle fibres from mice which can be further broken down to obtain muscle stem cells for recellularization of a diaphragm. I am so blessed to be shown so much in such a short duration of time and I feel so humbled by this experience. Everyone I have met in scientific research has been so kind to me and has taught me so much.

For example, when I am sitting in the office waiting for a 3 hour perfusion, a PhD student approaches me and asks me if I would like to learn something while I am waiting. They have been so patient with my questions and have explained every single step along the way. All these kindness has just inspired me to want to spread my knowledge further and pass on the kindness.

The first paper that I read that got me excited on the idea of regenerative medicine and tissue engineering is the possibility of generating off-the-shelf heart valves. From that article on, I knew that it would be an absolute dream for me to eliminate immune rejections from organ transplants. To be able to create off-the-shelf organs that is accessible to anyone from any background could save so many lives. This includes congenital malformations, organ failures, organ damage due to accidents and cancer. This could change the world.

There is nothing more that I want than to be involved in making this dream a reality.

I am presently applying for PhD studentships to continue with my career in scientific research. I have had one interview thus far and despite my successful interview, the interviewer told me that I would make a great candidate but he decided to choose someone else with a first author name in a publication. Despite my relevant laboratory skills and passion, the competition is indeed tough and the lack of such a publication has deterred my chances. I want people to know that even though I may lack a certain set of skills or have not shown my knowledge sufficiently, I am willing to learn as long as you're willing to teach, and I will not disappoint.

Wild flower

I've always felt the need to have control - to be in control of myself and my decisions.

I never liked it when people told me what to do and when I needed to do it. My mum would know best. I'm the kid who would deliberately sit in front of the television if she told me to go to my room to study. Oh, she would turn the TV off, but i would just continuously sit there and stare at the blank screen. That was the kid that I am. Horrid really.

I knew what I had to do, what was needed to be done and I was independent enough to do them on my own without being told. Chances are when someone reminds me about it, I'd have already done it.

Knowing that everything is going in perspective is comforting. I've done what I needed to do to get to where I need to be. Being in control of where I put myself, where I get myself, the goals I achieve.

Making myself happy. Knowing what to do to make myself happy. Taking the right steps in the right direction to chase my passion.

I don't want to be normal when I can do great things with great purpose. I don't want to do what everyone does, what everyone is told to do - get an education, a job, earn lots of money, get a family.

No, I got an education as a stepping stone to nourish my interest. Yes, I may be a poor scientist. Yes, I will dedicate my life to my career so others can have beautiful families. No, I will not be your typical geeky scientist, but I will be the asian with blonde hair and tattoos because I am being the best of me that I can be.

And this is why I make conscious effort to be emotionally unavailable. I'm just not the type who knows how to appreciate making decisions around someone else or have someone influence my decisions.

Being consciously aware of all the decisions I take to be the best that I can be. This, makes me happy. This gives me certainty. I am meant to be free to be the best that I can be.

If there is one character that truly inspires me is Cristina Yang from Grey's Anatomy.

If you don't know her, you should. Her passion for her field of work is so strong and she knows exactly what she wants and she's not afraid to go out and get it.

20 facts about me

I was tagged by Charmaine to do this "20 facts" and I thought it's too long to post on Instagram or as a Facebook status.

So, here are the 20 juicy facts that is enough for you to know me, but not enough to get close ;) haaaaah!



1. I love life. What is there not to love? I think life is fair. You win some, you lose some.

"Life is full of little pleasures"

2. I am passionate about and inspired by the work that I do. (Currently working in a lab funded by Cancer Research UK involving bone marrow extraction. My aim is to test the effectiveness of a blocking signal to prevent bone marrow cell death and ultimately increase bone marrow transplant in leukemic patients.)

3. I've graduated in Biochemistry at Imperial College and am now pursuing a Masters in Stem Cell Research. I am going to be a scientist! Whoop!

4. I think this 20 facts is A LOT and it's not easy.... -_-

5. I yearn to learn more and more and never stop learning till my last day.

There are so many ways to learn. Learning is not limited to the words on a page.

6. I have always been a lucky child but only recently, I've learnt to thank my lucky stars and count my blessings. It's increased my happiness.

7. Emotions? Runnnnnnnnnnn. I think (heavy) emotions are tricky. I don't like conversations that feels like it is putting too much pressure on the relationship/friendship. It's just... too much? I can't deal.

8. I believe in being happy and thinking positive thoughts even when it's raining every freaking day in London. Your thoughts play a very important role in influencing your mood. It isn't how someone or something affects your mood, but rather how you perceive that situation. If you assume the worst, how can your mind be at peace? Overthinking kills. Shut. It. Out.

Can i get an "amen"????!

9. I can't watch a "romance" movie without at some point dying of laughter. Too much cheese, not enough pizza!

10. I like Hello Kitty!!!!!! If you didn't already know that, you just got to know me.

shoes
soft toys
oven mitts
tea towels
ear phone tidy
diary
mug
food container
more soft toys!

11. My perspective of life has changed. I look up to people who pursue their passions and have great ambitions. Strong work ethics and the motivation to succeed. To have no aim in life but to chase money and material is not attractive in my opinion.

"Chase your passions and money will come. Chase money and you may never find your passions." - Colin Wright

12. I LOVE PINKKKKKK!!!! PINK IS MY FAVOURITE COLOUR! Possibly the first thing everyone knows about me. Pink is meeee!!!

This room. I don't know many people who can stay in a room this pink! But this is my destiny!

13. I will be taking French classes this term and I am excited to start! Bonjour!

"It's hard to be cool" - this picture was not chosen intentionally ;)

14. I have two tattoos and I'm getting a third soon.

15. I have dyed my hair many shades of brown, red, violet, and am currently yellow/blonde.

16. I love baking! It's kinda like running experiments in the lab where I add a little of this and that. I make wonderful pies!

17. Bad manners and loud people annoy me unfortunately (super bad pet peeve). I wince whenever I hear a person booming instead of speaking. Say it, don't scream it!

18. I think my best feature is my smile. I love my smile and I love to smile!

19. I amuse myself and secretly am very proud of my own jokes. Ngeheheh. I think it's important to be able to make yourself happy (I'm sure you have your own ways!). Well, my friends think it's absolutely ridiculous when I laugh at my own jokes but if you can make yourself laugh, I think you've conquered half of Mount Happiness.

20. Loyalty is one of my strongest traits. I know what it feels like to be betrayed and that is not a position i would put any person i care about in. Neither should you!

And that's 20 facts about yours truly!

(Phew that's one long post!)

Winter is coming!

I did it! I gave back to society - small and tiny efforts but still something nonetheless. It was physically exhausting but what I contributed is nothing compared to the hundreds of people out there doing way more extreme things to raise funds such as pushing a brussel sprout uphill with his nose (Stuart Kettle Just Giving).

The experience of meeting new people is so fun! Cheering and laughing and motivating all the participants! The vibe and determination is contagious! It's an indescribable feeling.

London Triathlon 2014 CR UK Cheer team

Maybe karma was staring down upon me while I worked my ass off trying to give back to the world.

Or somehow, this summer the universe has been on my side. :)

A rare sunny day in Hyde Park, London

I had 4 amazing days which wrapped up summer for me as the rain and bitter cold has creeped up upon us in England (I had to add a little fancy english there). Yes, it is ONLY August but the weather has been unforgivably grey!

I'm a strong believer in karma and fate. I don't think I am superstitious but the rules I live by are simple;

1) Whatever you do comes back to you - You get what you deserve. 

2) If it's meant to be, it will happen you can't avoid it. If it's not meant to be, you can't chase it.

Those two rules are not excuses to be lazy to just sit back and let life "happen". No, I think both the rules work together to complement each other. If you work for what you want, you'll be rewarded and if it's meant to last, it will. The second rule teaches appreciation, persistence, timing and to learn to let go graciously.

Sunset from the 69th floor of the Shard

I have a big heart that loves to love. (Yes, my brain thinks it's a little stupid and disagrees with my heart often) I love people, i love animals, i love knowledge, i love things, i love good emotions, bad emotions, sleep, pizza, food, food and more food and more sleep.

I met someone this summer. A rather strange event in my life which I would never in a million years have imagined would ever happen to me. It's... wonderful. To try to put the occurrence in words would be underwhelming and oversimplified.

I am impressed to meet someone so alike in character despite being brought up in a different culture and speaking different native tongues. How???

I wish we could have more time together. I haven't laughed so much with anyone else in the longest time, like I did when you were here. ;) But like I said above, I'm a strong believer of fate and of karma. Good things come to those who do good, and if time allows hopefully we'll get to spend time together again. Otherwise, I've got these special memories to cherish for life!

Pizza aux champignon au fromage et au cochon.

S'il vous plait.

C'est delicieux!

Bien? ;)

Blessed & Thankful

I am truly lucky. Everything I've ever wanted, I've received and achieved. (Sorry massive corny and cheesy post alert!!!)

I love moments like this. Where I sit back and reflect on my life (a.k.a. stop to smell le roses) - realising how far I've come. Taking note of all the kind people I've met who have helped me accomplish so much! The amazing people I've got to know who nurtured my mind and boosted my experiences.

I never imagined myself trekking through gushing rivers and hiking the French Alps!

Thinking about my experiences, it makes me wonder... WHY did I not feel any of this in my first two years of uni? What did I do differently this year? Have I changed? Did I suddenly "wake up" realising that there is so much more to life and only started chasing more meaningful things this year?

I now do things asking myself, 

"Why not?" instead of "Why should I?" 

because... Why not?

FYI, I don't run. So my first ever 5KM run was pretty damn fun since I'm basically covered in neon stuff.

There are some people I wish I spent more time with or met earlier on in my education... Nevertheless, we had an amazing time together!!!

Moguai!!!!

And oh my god the Cat Cafe!!!!! (I was never really a huge fan of cats, I'm more a dog person until I went to the cat cafe!) You just want to rub every one of their bellies. SO MUCH CHUBS.

This picture is so cute. I can't even.

There are also people you meet whom you get along instantly and become like major BFFs for the love of EDM - like where have you guys been all my life!!!

Electric Daisy Carnival UK 2014. NEXT STOP CREAMFIELDS BABY YEAHHH.

EDC was my first ever music festival. It was at least 14 hours long and I swear I thought I would end up breaking down halfway and crying, begging for someone to take me home. But I sure went hard and didn't go home (lol! Inappropriate bahahaha!). To be perfectly honest,  if I were invited to EDC say last year or two years ago, I would've probably said no...

Reflecting on all that has happened, I really like who I've become. Humbled by experiences, moulded by inspiration to constantly improve and always thankful for even the littlest of things. If there is an opportunity for me to improve myself, I would not hesitate to take it on. Not anymore!

***

I don't even know where to start my list of all the great people to be thankful for.

My amazing referees whom I have no clue how they patiently filled out my million and one applications (not forgetting with kind words too!).

I especially love people whom just want to help and are so generous with their knowledge. It is literally so so life-changing! My summer placement involves me running to and fro between two universities; Imperial College and King's College. Both of which are willing to provide me with the necessary skills and knowledge to prepare me for my career in Stem Cell research.

I want to help out so much, to give back for what they're giving me. I want to contribute and maybe increase efficiency in the labs - just do enough to make an impact to repay for the skills I'm being taught. All this generosity really inspires me to want to spread the knowledge and kindness. My PI literally told me that whenever I am available, just drop by to learn a set of skills which she believes will be very useful to my future in research. I just want to hug her!

Not forgetting my awesome friends!!! Who taught me so much just by talking and helping me to understand all the different cultures and see the world from different perspectives. Understanding that different people have different stands on certain things which I find truly admirable. Been so supportive and encouraging through all my efforts, plus checking up on my progress every once in a while. My friends are like my family in the UK. You know you can always count on them. Whaaaaaat more could I possibly ask for???????

Also, mummy and daddy who trusts me enough to know that no matter how much I party, that I've still got my life very much in perspective. ;) lol jokes, mum. Everyone knows I have no life.

***

I did not get everything I aimed for - you get some you lose some, but beggars can't be choosers and I did end up somewhere among the stars either way. :)

Thank you, life.

THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU.

Whoop whoop!

xoxo

Am.per.sand

An ampersand (or epershand) is a logogram "&" representing the conjunction word "and".

23rd May, 2014 Friday afternoon. I got this tattooed on my right forearm at Souls Rise in Soho, London. I've been wanting to get an ampersand for a while now. Yeah, sure it looks "cute" or "pretty" as some people have already told me, but I'd never get a tattoo unless it has a weighted meaning behind it.

An ampersand represents a broken infinity - Nothing truly lasts forever. Impermanence. So, I've been told it's a really "dark and twisty" way to see life. To be fair, it's really quite the contrary. I got the ampersand to remind me to appreciate all that I have, to live my life while I can, to see the beauty and good in every situation.

The ampersand is also commonly known as a logo for the word, "and". I love this & that. It shows continuity - I am not finished. It's not over, and that there is always something more to come. To every ending, there is a new beginning. 

I love how such a simple logo has the power to combine. PB & J. Peter & Jane. Easily reminding me to build relationships - communicate. I think it's too easy to just be comfortable with your own silence, to be alone doing whatever you want without a care in the world. Sure, we all have those moments where we need our "alone time" but with the usage of technology these days, it has become a convenience to slip into the virtual world and forget the ones around you. I don't want to be that. I refuse to succumb as one of those people who uses their phones while their out for a meal with company. I think it's rude and it defeats the purpose of seeing someone.

I'd say that I got this tattooed on me to celebrate a milestone in my life. I think that my third and last academic year of my bachelor's degree has profoundly changed my viewpoint on life. The people I've met, the experiences I've gained, the senses I've felt, the times I've pushed myself beyond my comfort zone - I am so thankful and appreciative for every single moment. I wish there was a way for me to share the values I've learnt with the world.

I am so proud to say that I have found my niche. I know what I want to do in life and I am so determined to pursue it. It's strangely clear that I am able to visualise where I will be 10 years down the road. I know that it's common for people my age to not know what they want to do in life - study, get a job, earn money - that's the usual protocol. I can't say that I wasn't brought up with the same mindset. But with all that has happened this year, I want to chase something I am passionate about and to live simply without the materialistic mindset. (I know how farfetched this sounds considering I am someone who loves shopping and has obviously great taste in clothes. loljk! -.-) 

It is a struggle not to want things. Pretty things. Temptation EVERYWHERE! But hey, mind over matter right? Literally, I am choosing my mind over matter. I'm learning to save for my future to further my education because I know exactly where I want to go and what I want to do. Also, I guess part of growing up is being worried and a whole lot more concerned about your parents. When will I stop being a financial burden to them? When will it be my turn to give in return for everything that they've done for me? Yeah, I have this thing called guilt - it's really annoying. Mum and dad, you should be proud.

I want to help people and the best thing is, I know how I'm going to do it. It will be a tremendously slow and strenuous process (all part and parcel of being a scientist) but I will achieve it someday. When it happens, I will remain humble and thankful for I know my success will speak on its own accord when I help to revolutionise the world.

I hope you enjoyed my random rumble.



P.S. Mum, don't flip out over the tattoo. I swear my life is still very much in perspective and I am working very hard to make sure of it!!!

Counting up the days!

This year, I am indignant to go all out and gain new experiences.

I am truly happy.

Post-photoshoot taken on La Sardina, 35mm 100 iso film in Bulb mode.

Everything I've learned and tried has been nothing short of amazing. The realisation that there is an unlimited amount of things for me, that I am yet to try.... It's just an infinite uphill growth!

Borough Market, London.
Taken with my La Sardina with a 35mm 100 iso film (Bulb mode).

I am so so so pleased, I don't even know how to describe the current contentment that I am in.

WHY NOT?!

Why the heck should i not do this or that?

What made me hesitate and refuse to try before? I must've been an idiot.

Tonight, I'm going to write in a journal about each of the new experiences I've gained and how i felt at that moment just so I can look back later on and be like "Ahhhh." as I relieve those moments through my words. :)

Multiple exposures on my La Sardina, 35mm 100 iso film (Normal mode).

xx.